The fight with my brother almost drove me to my grave, literally. I wouldn't think he is a bad person if he didn't start shouting at me first, but I know how mean and ruthless I can get because he will be the one to break down first if we roll into a fight. I regretted calling him a leech and throwing his phone on the floor - and when i mean throwing, that phone can bounce and fly its way down from the 14th storey.

It shows something.

I am emotionless.

My heart softened when he decided to bring me a cup of ice water for me to cool down. After all, he is not a bad person, and it takes the revelation to another level, that it is not him that is having a problem, it's me. I would like to think that I have a very high expectation of my life, and that nothing is ever enough for me, and then I have the same kind of expectation for the people i meet, my love ones especially, and if they do not meet it, it means they are no good.

That's me and my shallow thinking of life, I brought such unfortunate events upon myself and others. Living with a warped perception of life has left me really miserable, and maybe that is why no one really want to step into my world to understand what really makes me.

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Someone can just come have a piece of my life before he judges me.

It takes a few incident to remind me what Daya told me the other day.

"Those people who get work done are usually those hated by the majority", and i can easily cite a few examples out of this hypothesis. I feel awful both spiritually and emotionally. I wanted to die, and I won't deny that I almost cut or jump down the building. Yet, on second thoughts, I am wondering where my soul will go if i do jump down.

For the past 18 years, I haven't been a very good person on Earth, so I will probably land in hell which is obviously not as good as what i am having on Earth. Then it all brings back to the last incident where I was so hurt when a close friend brought me down so badly. I was alleged to have never moved on, which is very true to many sense. I am too serious. Work, life, relationship (not htat i have many experience with it), and being too serious really bring me to nowhere.

Should I start taking life lightly?

Go on the street rob an ah ma, go to a mama shop and steal curry puff from the indian man, go snort some drugs behind some deserted alley. RUn away from home and start cutting myself.

I need something in life that can make life worth living for.

Just Breathe.

It may seems like another typical rant, then let it be, because I am feeling the pressure. Honestly, it is not as if things will turn our any better if I weren't in this course.

I am feeling exceptionally depressed today.

While I look forward to the coming 2 week vacation, I am dreading the pile of workload form school. All this while, I am thinking if I can start working on something first to ease the workload, but it seems like this major mission to complete a massive website and magazine within a week is inevitable.

I cannot breathe.

I am racing against time, and I am going to break down now because I honestly cannot afford to give myself a break, nope, not now.

I feel really bad to take these all out at my family. I guess it is not easy for them to comprehend the stress that I am facing right now. But shouting and ranting suddenly in the middle of a nap seems unreasonable enough. Pretty quite sur that family is not meant as a channel for you to releaase your stress, especially when you are practically shouting your head off all the time.

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I feel that i should have some say in my life, in my work, in everything because I am losing control.

HI.

Hi, after the little mayhem in school, I have decided to come back to this blog to rant alil bit.

anyway, I will find time to revamp this ugly blog. One reason why i haven't update since sicgvgbhnhbvs was because MCM killed me, other than that, I was disheartened by some people. But I am not going to let them bring me down anyway.

A young colleague was all enthu about coming to MCM until i told her the ugly truth.

I'm still proud in a way or another about course, but I am not so proud about the consequences it has brought to my face.

seriously, sometimes i really doubt if I am indeed an angsty 18-year-old.

All the while, i feel like a 28.

some minor updates:

-I'm going to Malaysia during the 2 week break. It is going to be a BREAK. literally one. CAN'T WAIT. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

-I really like working part time in a quiet shop and talk rubbish with everyone.

-I should go for botox on my forehead because I have a split-forehead due to long-term frowning.

-I am on a lose-8-kg campaign which Alan and Eugene deem as a failure because of my constant indulgence in fries.

I STRESS, I EAT. GOT PROBLEM IZZIT.

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Bumped into Chin wee the other day in Cheers. He was grinning happily when I asked how life have been for him. Ever since sleeping through MM and MRM last semester, it has been some time since I talked to him. He gave a mega wide grin and went " YEAR 3! FINALLY." and went hehehe-ing till I left Cheers with my carton of milk.

He is damn cute i swear.

I will make efforts to write something properly next time.

ladio test tmr. ftw.

The truth is always ugly.

but it is not as ugly as being kept in the dark forever.

It just takes some time for some people to understand that he can have all the money in the world, in sacrifices of his closest kin.

surely you have disappoint as a friend.

I bet you didn't know I've better judgement than you.

Shallowness, is just a facade to keep me away from this dirty world.

At the day's end, I've made a revelation that I am the not pathetic one.

---

farnay, lost my wallet, learnt a disheartening story (it was sad and angry because I was sincere about it), police report, home, sleep, sulk. bad night.

then, found wallet on top of mail box, with my cards all intact, except that he took all my cash including the 5 cents.

day turned out slighlt better, except that I am going to get a new wallet because I have been dropping money and losing cash.

That is it. I need a new wallet, I NEED.

went to sec sch for a chat with mr quek, all seems too familiar, then to nuoshi's house for a saturday stayover and an intended movie marathon which failed because we zonked out while watching 500 days of summer. she unintentionally slapped my face while both of us were sleeping. win.

came home, spent alot of quality time with family because i like to spend time with them.

then realised that I've missed assignments for BCE. zz

good night.

btw, a small disclaimer:

this is not a blog to entertain, just to clarify if there's any misconceptions out there.

(and also, it is not a place for you to judge people hor.)

took a toil with web design even though it is worth only 5 percent.

vfgbgbghnb

on a positive note, I am not inspired at all, so I've submitted something less than desirable. zzz

It's going to be a long weekend. 5 days!

no school tomorrow, no school on friday, no school on monday. how cool is that.

my friend scalded his most precious asset as he accidentally poured instant noodle soup over his beep beep. thank god he missed those balls if not there won't be father's day for him. It's sad, but he graciously diss his pride and told the story to people, and laugh with us.

That's the kind of spirit.

Watch this. Brilliant plus 5 star.

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Bouncer: (look in bewilderment) What are you dressed as today?

Girl: Can't you see? I'm Megan Fox for the day.

oh! Lily Allen on ELLE. sexaye!

I totally worship here. damn awesome.

:3

My dad is the sweetest person on earth, He cleans up my room for me, rearranged all the messy wires and plugs so that I will not get electrocuted.

Food in school sucks. Ikea for good hotdogs and meatballs!

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I couldn't care less that is how you feel if it does make a little consolation.

All I know is, I still hated you as much as how I hated my screwed up life with you for the last 3 years. Now seriously. fuck off. It's not up to you to decide, neither is it up to anyone to decide when my wrath should cease.

I hope it gives you a good measure how screwed up and hurt i have been induced with.

So, go away.