I finally understood why god decided to give us a mouth and two ears.

He wants us to listen before we talk.

nevertheless, a mouth can be too big to contain all thoughts.

and I begin to doubt my existence here when I have to live within such malicious facade.

something worth a thought.

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yes, I can be really tyrannic. but I know what I am doing.

nope. and this time I am not compromising.

really don't know why I'm so pissed off right now. I can't blame it on anyone but myself. yet on the other hand, I felt so indignant.

It's as if I am totally obligated to do this for the group.

Look, it's not as if this is my project, this is our project, and it's not as if I have only one project to work on right now.

So what give you the right to diss me? Aren't you obligated to stay because I am doing all the work for you, and yes, I'm late, because I have to get stuff printed, not that I overslept.

I can't help it but feel the surge of anger, and that I'm angry beause you are blaming me.

what rights do you have to blame me for being late. You probably don't understand the amount of work to be done. You fucking don't. so stop giving me that attitude.

It was 12.30am when I was painfully cropping a picture for our Magazine when I decided to make a call to a friend and asked if she came across any friends who has a story to tell for the sake of my radio interview. After a short antagonistic conversation (because she is in a foul mood), she mentioned this ex-colleague of ours, who is already blissfully married, and pregnant at the tender age of 17.

I was instantly mortified.

Three years back when I was still a fresh secondary graduate, I decided to take up a part time job in a sushi restaurant. I met Serena, a bubbly, intelligent and fiesty girl, probably classified under one of those categories where guys will make a beeline for.

It has been ages, and the last time I see her was in school, dressed in a low back vest, she was never afraid to strut her stuff, and ever since 2009 Jan, she went MIA where every now and then, I keep wondering if she were doing okay. So, she got married and gave birth.

It took me awhile to register that fact.

Plus, I really don't want to seem rude to think that it was a shot gun marriage.

So, I fb staked her pictures.

The young couple seem surprisingly blissful, and I am honestly ashamed to feel such negativity about them. The guy look decent enough, one of those faces where you can rely on for the rest of your life, and definitely more reliable looking than the men she has dated for the past few years.

And again, I am embarrassed for judging someone by the surface.

So, it brings back a point.

Is it okay to get married so young?

"Someday, someone will come into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else".

three years ago, I thought I would share serena's happily-ever-after, and it took me some painful moments to realised that why it will never work out.

I'm glad that I left, but I'm left alone again, and suddenly i felt dubious envy for serena.

So, when is it my turn, minus the kids part.

My principle still holds: No 1 million dorrar, no kid.

First step, find an older man, secondly, find an educated man, thirdly, find a well-to-do man and definitely no ex-boyfriend look-alike to save all the traumas.

Most importantly, he cares for me.

Men who feed off their parents turn me off. (ie: my brother kinda species)

then, wait for some chemistry.

Guess I have to be patient, and not all older, educated, well-to-do man will be attracted to this not-v well-versed and unattractive girl.

Somebody love me please!

hehehe.

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I had a strange dream yesterday. In my dreams, I was in Shanghai even though i have never been there.

There's this old lady whom I have never met, but felt so comfortable and close with her, and somehow I felt that she was divine and can foresee the future. I gave her a very sincere and massive hug and we were very happy to see each other.

I was hesitant to ask about my future.

after awhile, I asked. I asked if i would marry a rich man.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

seriously.

and she said, of course my dear! you will marry a rich man, don't worry about your sorrows right now, and I woke up.

and I am relieved.

seriously.-.-

I don't know whether to count it a blessing or not to watch someone's metamorphosis.

An ambitious kid turning more ambitious each day.

On those days when I feel drifted away from your sincerity, I will remind myself what you said "Live life without regret", and I hope you are living up to your principle.

---

After exams, I promise I will do a revamp on this site, make a studio, and start working on things I really enjoy doing. Looking back at 2009, I feel that MCM has taken too much time in my life. Each day is getting worse at the moment, hence the occasion updates. You feel my misery.

My current wish is to take a break off from photoshop, illustrator, dreamweaver, flash and indesign. Suddenly, Im not so proud of the fact that I am a designer. Having second thoughts about it in fact.

oky, gonna sleep. getting alil nostalgic looking at those pictures.

brings back annoyingly amusing how we became friends.

Friendster rocks ah.

The fight with my brother almost drove me to my grave, literally. I wouldn't think he is a bad person if he didn't start shouting at me first, but I know how mean and ruthless I can get because he will be the one to break down first if we roll into a fight. I regretted calling him a leech and throwing his phone on the floor - and when i mean throwing, that phone can bounce and fly its way down from the 14th storey.

It shows something.

I am emotionless.

My heart softened when he decided to bring me a cup of ice water for me to cool down. After all, he is not a bad person, and it takes the revelation to another level, that it is not him that is having a problem, it's me. I would like to think that I have a very high expectation of my life, and that nothing is ever enough for me, and then I have the same kind of expectation for the people i meet, my love ones especially, and if they do not meet it, it means they are no good.

That's me and my shallow thinking of life, I brought such unfortunate events upon myself and others. Living with a warped perception of life has left me really miserable, and maybe that is why no one really want to step into my world to understand what really makes me.

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Someone can just come have a piece of my life before he judges me.

It takes a few incident to remind me what Daya told me the other day.

"Those people who get work done are usually those hated by the majority", and i can easily cite a few examples out of this hypothesis. I feel awful both spiritually and emotionally. I wanted to die, and I won't deny that I almost cut or jump down the building. Yet, on second thoughts, I am wondering where my soul will go if i do jump down.

For the past 18 years, I haven't been a very good person on Earth, so I will probably land in hell which is obviously not as good as what i am having on Earth. Then it all brings back to the last incident where I was so hurt when a close friend brought me down so badly. I was alleged to have never moved on, which is very true to many sense. I am too serious. Work, life, relationship (not htat i have many experience with it), and being too serious really bring me to nowhere.

Should I start taking life lightly?

Go on the street rob an ah ma, go to a mama shop and steal curry puff from the indian man, go snort some drugs behind some deserted alley. RUn away from home and start cutting myself.

I need something in life that can make life worth living for.

Just Breathe.

It may seems like another typical rant, then let it be, because I am feeling the pressure. Honestly, it is not as if things will turn our any better if I weren't in this course.

I am feeling exceptionally depressed today.

While I look forward to the coming 2 week vacation, I am dreading the pile of workload form school. All this while, I am thinking if I can start working on something first to ease the workload, but it seems like this major mission to complete a massive website and magazine within a week is inevitable.

I cannot breathe.

I am racing against time, and I am going to break down now because I honestly cannot afford to give myself a break, nope, not now.

I feel really bad to take these all out at my family. I guess it is not easy for them to comprehend the stress that I am facing right now. But shouting and ranting suddenly in the middle of a nap seems unreasonable enough. Pretty quite sur that family is not meant as a channel for you to releaase your stress, especially when you are practically shouting your head off all the time.

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I feel that i should have some say in my life, in my work, in everything because I am losing control.